Tag: Mental Health

Mental Health · Music · Travel

Rocky Mountain Why

Beth DeFries2 Comments

When we landed at Denver International Airport after flying from Paris, via Chicago, jetlag was weighing on my eyelids, trying to remind me that it was 4:00AM Paris time rather than 8:00PM MDT, which was the time showing on my phone’s lock screen after turning off airplane mode. We’d had a feeling that this rapid time zone switch would try to snaggle our plans for the next day, but were we going to let it? No siree, thank you very much, but more on that in a little bit.

As the flight attendants strolled the aisles of our international flight, offering complimentary alcohol and sugary drinks, we said, “Just water, please,” because when you’re jumping time zones like a pioneering, turbo cricket, not to mention, going to a place that is located at a higher altitude than you’re used to, staying hydrated is your best asset for success.

On the hotel shuttle from Denver International to the Staybridge Suites, the shuttle driver decided it was trivia time. Our shuttle mates, a family of six, were game to partake, their flight to Milwaukee delayed until the morning.

“What’s the coldest letter in the alphabet and why?” said the shuttle driver.

I could not care less, I thought.

The Milwaukee-bound family, a mother and father and four daughters, seemed like geniuses as they threw out guess after guess from the seats in front of and behind us. Compared to us with our mushy brains fixed only on the concept of sleep just within our grasp, they were, at least.

“Nope…nope…nope…” said the driver, responding to one guess after the next, after the next.

Eventually, after the Milwaukee crew was all guessed out, he said, “You give up?”

Yes. Milwaukee agreed.

“The answer is B… because it’s always surrounded by AC.”

Ok. That’s pretty good, actually, I thought. Maybe I’ll even remember it.

We checked into the airport hotel and crashed after the minimum level of settling in. Showers could wait until the morning. Laundry too. We’d accomplished our goal. We’d stayed awake until roughly 5:00AM Paris time to get on Colorado time and make sure we’d be able to stay up even later the next night. The bed was the most comfortable airport hotel bed I’ve ever had the pleasure of sleeping in.

After a leisurely breakfast at the complimentary buffet the next morning, laundry, showers, and some strategic repacking, we picked up our rental car and hit the road, bound for our first stop of the day, Denver’s Washington Park neighborhood, known to locals simply as “Wash Park”.

Since we had ambitious plans for later that evening (ambitious only when framed by the aforementioned time zone swap), the plan for the day was to take it easy, do some exploring, and squeeze in a nap somewhere along the way.

As we strolled past a pretty garden along the north end of Grassmere Lake Loop in Wash Park, we learned to steer clear of the squirrels, these being larger and more aggressive than those we were accustomed to. These are mountain squirrels, I thought. Put the word mountain in front of anything and it instantly becomes more, more impressive, more intimidating, more majestic; don’t you think?

I spotted two googly eyes looking up at us from just under the surface of the lake and took a picture for Gemini to tell me what it was. Carp. He has eyes, I thought, Paris still so fresh on my mind.

After our stroll, we stopped by a stationary store on South Gaylord Street so I could stock up on some cards for a few fall birthdays and then continued up the block for some lunch at Wash Park Social. We sat out on the front terrace, trying to keep “café culture” alive in our hearts for as long as we could, wishing it was more of a thing in the US, like it is in Paris.

We ordered a strawberry salad with grilled chicken and an appetizer called The Trio to share. Soon, our food was brought to our table and I marveled at the vibrant, colorful display of The Trio- hummus, pepita muhammara, and almond green ricotta with fresh baked bread. Mountain beautiful, not to mention mountain delicious too.

Our bellies full and our next hotel check-in time approaching, we headed back on the road, this time north towards Boulder. As we got out of the area of Colorado that I think looks like Kansas (though I’ve only ever flown over Kansas, so who am I to judge), the scenery started to become more exciting.

The mountains grew as we drove north and so did my excitement for what was to come later that evening.

We settled in at our next hotel and squeezed in that nap that was on the agenda. I slept about half as much as I’d hoped to, but you get what you get, right? We packed up our rain jackets and water bottles then hit up our hotel’s complimentary happy hour social for some light bites before the evening’s main event.

We’d been to Red Rocks Amphitheatre once before, two years ago, just to see the place. This time, we were going to get to see it in action.

We took the short hike from the Lower North Lot to the venue entrance slowly, taking in the incredible scenery, surrounded by ancient sandstone monoliths, each of them sculpted by the elements over time. We stopped every few stretches of stairs to catch our breath and swig some water. If there is one thing to remember about acclimating to a high altitude, it is that you need to stay hydrated. You’re going to need that extra oxygen; I promise.

I continued up beyond the level of our row to snag some pictures while the dregs of daylight were still available before meeting Mike back down at our seats, passing by the merch line that stretched halfway down the stairs of the venue on my way, sweating in my excess layers.

“I’m so excited!!!” I said, settling into my designated spot on the long concrete bench, shedding my sweater, “Bleachers at Red Rocks!!! Can you take my picture?”

Have you ever had something influence your happiness so much that you feel like it found you just when you needed it most? I’m talking right place, right time kind of serendipity. That’s what the band Bleachers is for me.

I’m a writer. It’s more of a hobby at this point, than anything else I guess, but hey, it’s what “I do” and that means something to me. Writing can be a lonely pursuit sometimes, unfortunately. Writers tend to spend a lot of time in their heads, guided by creative pathways of their own making. Sometimes the pathways are lit by full daylight. Sometimes, by fading dusk. Sometimes only the streetlights are on. And that’s when you’re lucky.

There was a time, years ago, while I was working on a novel, when I’d written myself into a corner yet again and those streetlights went out and a dense, unnavigable dark was what I could see ahead of me.

Music was a guide to the circuit breaker, a flashlight beam in the dark.

Bleachers found me after I’d canceled my Amazon Music Unlimited subscription, instead choosing to go with the sub included with my Prime account. How it worked was I’d plug Vampire Weekend song titles into the search bar and get one or two, followed by suggestions for other songs and bands that were totally new to me. Guess who popped up? It starts with the coldest letter in the alphabet.

It started with Dream of Mickey Mantle, a homing beacon, if I may. I followed it blindly, a spark that set me on a path that would lead me to feeling enlightened in more ways than one. Monumental changes in my physical and mental wellbeing, re-sculpting of my perception of success, and clarity for what my writing voice and style would become.

Now that we’ve gotten that little personal history out of the way, we’ve got a show to reminisce about! A truly incredible one, at that.

As the opener, American Football, was nearing the end of their set, it started to rain. We knew there was a good chance it would, but fear not! We came prepared. We weren’t gonna let a little water get in the way of a good time. We zipped up our rain jackets and pulled our hoods up.

While we waited as the crew turned the stage over, Mike took my picture in my rain gear and we decided that I looked like a big, happy, slug lady and as a slug lady, what I choose to “cling” to from that description most is happy, right? Not slug. Definitely not slug…

Jack Antonoff and the boys took the stage to Frank Sinatra’s My Way and I could feel my smile testing the limits of my face. On a normal day, my smile is bigger than most out there. My friend once described it as seeing every tooth in Beth’s head. From the roar of the crowd, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one experiencing a sense of sheer joy.

Live music is one of my “whys“, I think. When I’m at a live show for a band that I love, I get a major sense of this is why I exist, to be here and to experience this. There are other “whys”, of course, but since we’re talking about music, I just thought I’d mention it.

The boys opened with Sideways from their latest album, Everyone for Ten Minutes, jumping into The Van next, followed by one of our favorites, the high energy Modern Girls. The crowd knew all the words, older stuff, newer stuff, it didn’t matter.

At one point, Jack reminded the audience that he was from New Jersey, which is unnecessary since his music evokes the home state that we share in so many songs, one of the reasons why Bleachers resonated so strongly with me in the first place, I think. He called out to the audience.

Jack: Who came from really, really far away to be here tonight?

Most of the audience: Woooo!

Jack: Who came from around the corner?

Rest of the audience: Woooo!

Red Rocks Amphitheatre draws crowds from across the world to Morrison, CO, in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. It makes for an incredible concert-going experience. Pretty much everyone in the crowd is a massive fan and it gives a pulse to being in the audience like no other venue I have experienced before.

Boulders, sky, rain, music, and joy. Pure bliss; I’m telling you.

Jack tested out an acoustic version of one of the band’s first hits, I Wanna Get Better, transforming what is usually an energetic, pop rock jam into a confessional folk ballad that did perhaps a better job at highlighting the song’s themes of grief and recognizing when you’ve gone a bit off the rails and need help outside yourself to get back on track. He told the audience he wanted to perform it as he’d written it. There is plenty of space in the world for both versions, in my opinion.

Ricky Antonoff, Jack’s dad, joined the band onstage to perform one of my absolute favorites, How Dare You Want More. I love this one for its insane energy, guitar/saxophone duel, drum beat, sax solo, and the sense of community it evokes. I particularly love the second chorus on this one.

The boys went on to play the song that started it all, the first song Jack ever wrote for Bleachers, Rollercoaster, a full on crowd pleaser at every Bleachers show we’ve ever been to, following it with Tiny Moves, Don’t Take the Money, and I Wanna Get Better– as recorded.

The show ended with the song from one of my favorite music videos ever, Stop Making this Hurt. The video for this song was shot at the Bendix Diner on Route 17 in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey and features all the members of the band as well as Jack’s sister, Rachel Antonoff.

As a Jersey girl who divided my non-school hours, growing up, between the shore, goofing around at my friends’ houses, my sister’s soccer games, various diner booths, and concerts, the video felt all kinds of nostalgic for me (and maybe got me craving some fries with gravy too, just a little bit).

The altitude cut the regular Bleachers concert outro short, the only possible negative of the night. By the time the lights came on and most of the crowd had filtered out, I turned to Mike and said, “I don’t want to leave.”

We took our time heading back to the car, taking the stairs out of the venue slowly, soaking up every last possible second of the experience and location that we could of our night in the foothills of the Rockies with the band that starts with the coldest letter in the alphabet, experiencing pure joy in the rain and the sound, under the open sky.

It was 6:30AM Paris time, but we were powered by our lingering excitement, not wanting to come down from that high.

The day after the show, we did a little exploring on Boulder’s Pearl Street Mall. We stopped for some lunch at Pizza Alberico and ordered a panini and a pizza to share. I opted to pair the Grand Teton Brewing Amber Ale with my meal and it was malty and delicious. Fall fans, rejoice!

We strolled the pedestrian street and set our sights on Boulder Bookstore where I bought myself a little souvenir which I’ve since started into.

We headed to Chautauqua Park next for a walk at the foothills of The Flatirons and take in the scenery. We even met this soul-staring bear outside the General Store.

“What’s the brewery called again?” I said as we got back in the car.

“Upslope Brewing,” said Mike.

I plugged it into Google Maps and we were on our way.

We ordered a flight to share (to start) and grabbed a table outside to enjoy the view of the mountains, because, you know, café culture and all that. That, and mountains, of course. We really enjoyed all the different brews we tried at Upslope. My particular favorite was their Spruce Tip IPA which tasted like a forest, if that makes sense.

On our last day in Colorado, we got an early start and drove up to Estes Park with an 8:00-10:00AM timed-entry reservation for Bear Lake Road in Rocky Mountain National Park. Because of a nor’easter set to hit back home, we’d moved up our flight by one day, so we were pretty short on time, but there was still one last must-see of mine before we headed home. We set Dream Lake in our sights, and, though a little cloudier than on our last visit, it was no less impressive.

We stocked up on some souvenirs in Estes Park for a couple kiddos we know before heading back towards the airport, through the part of Colorado that looks like Kansas, the mountains shrinking in the rearview mirrors of our rental car.

Until next time, we thought, before heading back home.

Cozy Posts

Marvelous

Beth DeFriesLeave a comment

It’s a slow Saturday here in our corner of the world. Breakfast’s been had and tea after that. Our pajamas have turned into our actual outfits by this point and there is little planned for the rest of the day other than to prep for some visitors later on.

I am clicking through Paris on Google Maps, acquainting myself with the city for a trip that’s still a ways off, but will surely have come and gone before I am ready to be done with it.

The neighborhoods swirl clockwise from the city’s center like a snail’s shell in mint and white shapes, each one dotted with landmarks. Le Louvre with its pyramid and crowded galleries. La Conciergerie and Place de la Concorde with their revolutionary significance. La Tour Eiffel glittering in the blue night. Montmartre glowing at the feet of Le Sacre Coeur. C’est très merveilleux, n’est-ce pas?

We cannot see it all at once and so the planning ahead is necessary. We must pick and choose our favorites. It’s so difficult, but in that is the challenge, the fun, the stakes.

Outside, the ocean’s a murky sort of seafoam, dotted with a heaping serving of white sprinkles, under an overcast sky. It’s my perfect writing weather and so I thought I’d do just that.

Just outside, the naked rose of Sharon braces against the breeze, stewing in envy of the nearby trees with their branches clad in bunches of youthful green.

Mike’s playing Noah Kahan’s new album and I’m drinking in the melodies like lazy sips of cool lemonade on an August day.

The posts here have been few and far between these days. I’m sorry if you’ve noticed and had hoped for more. I’ve been getting happily lost in fiction writing instead, wandering into stories that don’t have endings yet until they do, meeting strangers that become important people in my life, creating my own simulated versions of reality from my little desk.

Since quitting coffee over a year ago, I’ve felt less of an impulse to share the personal stuff. I like the quiet in my head, the space to create and rationalize, to come to terms with the thoughts that have slowed from a race to a brisk walk. I am happy despite some chaos this year. I accept myself as I am and all that comes with that and there is more peace in that simple act than I would have ever imagined. I wish that acceptance for everyone.

I hope that once you finish reading this, you reflect on the miracle of your mere existence and make whatever you like of it in a positive way, whether it’s the most, good enough, or the bare minimum. Just know that you are marvelous, whatever you choose, and for you, I am grateful.

Cozy Posts

In Like a Lion

Beth DeFriesLeave a comment

Bonjour, mes amis! It’s March and today just seemed like a good day to write a blog post. I have no idea where this particular post is going yet, so just bear with me and we’ll meander on the screen together. How’s that sound?

Like crickets.

Ok. Good! Allons-y! What’re we waiting for?

Life’s been a little stressful lately, but nothing we can’t handle with little tiny baby steps, day by day. The temperatures here in our corner of the world dipped into low single digits a few weeks back and let’s just say the pipes at my family’s home and rental property down the shore didn’t fare so well. That’ll be a story for another day though, once I can draft a worthy intro, unlike that in today’s post, and once I can process the whole experience and all that’s been in the works since, amid a reconstructed setting.

Today’s a morning for decaf Earl Grey in my favorite mug, a big little thing that’s helping me keep sane amid the upheaval of the past few weeks. Writing has been another salvation, when I get the time for it, and reading, of course. I’m crawling through Maeve Binchy’s Circle of Friends and having a lovely time of it, with Celeste Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere on deck.

I’m wrapped up in a big fuzzy, brown sweater today and my most comfortable blue jeans, my cross between Hagrid energy and power outfit for the day, with a big splash of cozy. I feel tired already and there’s a good chance I’ll fall asleep on the couch at 9 pm yet again, in exactly what I’m wearing, too warm and cozy under the sherpa fleece pumpkin blanket that Danielle and Corey gave me for my birthday a few years back now, so there’s that to look forward to… What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, as the saying goes, and also makes you inexplicably sleepy, apparently.

We change the clocks this weekend and the days are getting lighter for longer. Spring is on the horizon and, with it, warmth and progress. I’m looking forward to some travel this month, to white sand and turquoise waters, to good music and a reunion with a goddess, but more on those adventures to come.

In the meantime, stay sane, stay warm, and find a little moment of happiness in today. 💖

Books · Cozy Posts · Health & Lifestyle · Mental Health · Reviews & Reflections

In Pursuit of Living Well

Beth DeFries5 Comments

It’s January once again, friends. The treadmills at the gym are more populated than usual, the temperatures outside are biting and sharp, and the potholes are expanding into craters with each new round of salt and snow.

The December electric bill revealed a number that I was shocked to see, so I’m choosing to live in fleece, chunky sweaters, thermal leggings, and wool socks regularly, to keep the cold at bay and the thermostat a little less high. I boil the kettle a few times a day and bundle up for brisk walks through the park or to the library.

In 2025, our resolution was to travel somewhere different every month and that was fun and a little bit intimidating at the onset, to be entirely honest. We actually managed it though, something I was skeptical would happen if you talked to me this time last year. These trips have enriched our lives and fueled our sense of adventure, though I’m not itching to go anywhere else just yet. The break from constant trip planning and booking and financing is a welcome one. I’m sure I’ll be desperate for some journey sometime soon, but for now, I’ll take the calm with gratitude.

2025 was a year of trying new things, of starting from square one, and of pursuing my creative goals with more focus and intention. The act of writing my January Postcard on this same day last year served as a major catalyst for this switch in my creative approach. Here’s hoping this post leads me to as much motivation as that one did.

I read a few books this year that helped me improve my productivity, nutrition comprehension, and relationships. I am grateful to have come across these books and to the library for having them. I’d recommend them all: Atomic Habits by James Clear, Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy, The Harvard Medical School Guide to Healthy Eating by Walter C. Willett, and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, particularly this last one which really had me reflecting on all of the relationships in my life as I read, from that with my husband to that with my family members, my friends, etc. I think that it is extremely important to be conscious of how the people that you love best receive love.

Coffee has not been a part of my diet since mid-April and I’m really proud of myself for this. This is the longest I’ve gone without coffee since before I started drinking it my sophomore year of college. I don’t miss the impulsiveness, the anxiety, and the aggression that accompanied the habit, for me. Whenever I hear a car honking at someone on the road these days, I think, “Somebody hasn’t had their coffee.” No, I don’t miss that agitation for myself one bit.

I haven’t set a resolution for this year yet. Perhaps I’ll aim to be more mindful, to be intentional with what I consume, and to be better at recognizing all the little things that are good rather than all the little things that are bad. I don’t know if a negative bias can be flipped, but I am going to actively try. In broad terms, my resolution is to live well, for myself and for those around me and to not take away from them living well. I will read plenty and write plenty because it gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment which leads to more happy days. I will spend time in the company of the people who I love and I will be present and grateful.

I hope you are all reading this somewhere warm and pleasant, whether it is at home, in your office, or on your phone. Wherever you are, I challenge you to internalize three things that are good today, as you are, no matter how big or small. Two for me are writing this post and knowing that some of you are reading it. Thank you for being you and for being part of this cozy community. Cheers to all that 2026 has in store for us, the ups, the downs, the learning moments, the successes, and the failures to balance them out and make the good moments really shine. Wherever you are and whatever you do, I hope you are living well. Thanks for reading!

Books · Cozy Posts · Travel

Monday Observations

Beth DeFries4 Comments

I’ve been waiting for a cool, gray day where the seagrass sways and the rose of Sharon bows in the damp and the breeze. The curtains billow at the open windows, faithful spectrals awaiting loves long lost at sea. Come back to me, they whisper, unanswered. I don’t have the heart to tell them.

The ocean’s an unraveled bolt of fabric, pre-hemmed with white and ready to cut, too unwieldy for the machine, too expansive for the hand, destined to sit on the shelf, admired and fading, to inspire projects too elaborate for fruition, aspirations never addressed, dreams destined to remain unrealized.

A freighter snails its way along the horizon line, containers catching the view from the highest stack. “Bon voyage, mes amis!” je dis, “Et merci pour votre service!” I’ve been practicing my French again. Montreal’s this week et je suis un peu rouillée, j’ai peur.

I write at the window, sipping Earl Grey without caffeine, feeling the lack of coffee today, but that’s ok. We cut our demons for a reason, right? We feel the lack of them sometimes, but we must carry on. The golden glow of the table lamps helps to fill the void left behind by coffee’s lack. I savor over-steeped bergamot instead, robust and resonant in flavor. I warm my cheeks, my hands in swirls of steam.

I’m feeling the doubt of sharing a long-form fiction project with a handful of friends a couple of weeks ago now, doubt being my greatest talent, or at least sometimes that’s how it feels. I bolster myself. Have courage; it’s there somewhere inside your head, in your heart, in your gut. Be proud of your words, that collage of letters, chapters, characters built in your mind. You love them and they deserve the chance to be read.

It’s Monday and I’m getting excited for the new adventures this week will bring, the sights and smells and tastes and sounds of a place I’ve never set foot in before. This week, I also anticipate finishing reading a series that I’ve been reading for over a year now.

I went to forty-sixth and second in New York. They sell roses at the market on the corner across from Dag Hammarskjöld Plaza. There is no turtle in the fountain, but the fountain is there and I wondered if anyone has reached the tower sitting there in that little urban oasis, tucked away from the fray, somehow in another world. In. Mid. End. Keystone. There’s just one thing left to do. Read. And then I’ll know what it was all for, this journey, this year. And when I’m done, I’ll buy a rose from the market and I’ll leave it on a bench for another adventurer to wonder at. For what is life without wonder? What is life without intrigue and imagination?

Mental Health · Poetry · Social Media · Travel

On Crickets and Fireflies

Beth DeFries3 Comments

I was reminded last week, by some truly lovely friends, that a handful of people actually read this. They brought up that I’ve been “pretty quiet over there” for a while. I was surprised that anybody noticed, to tell you the truth. I’ve been a little blocked with the personal stuff lately, see, or maybe just a little more reluctant to share for worry that people aren’t interested because that’s how it seems when you send personal writing out into the world and get crickets back. It’s pretty quiet from where I sit too sometimes. That’s just part of the process though, I tell myself. If people want to engage, they will. If they don’t, they won’t and that’s just fine. I need the outlet either way sometimes, the one way radio, so to speak.

The inspiration for the stuff that seems to do well with my readers on here, whom I don’t actually know- poetry (which still surprises me) dried up soon after I nixed coffee over two months back, which I don’t really understand, other than to know that I’ve never felt more emotionally stable than I do these days. Wouldn’t it be nice if the urge to write some rhymes or freeform comes back and I get to keep this nice, calm brain? Is life that good? I sure hope so.

It’s been hot here in NJ for the past few days after feeling like March for weeks beforehand. I was tired of the rain and the cold, but I wouldn’t mind if the cool, stormy weather came calling again, looking for a place to crash after a flight delay.

We took a trip to Miramar Beach, FL this month. I didn’t write about it and I probably won’t beyond this. It was restful and fun with a lot of family time that made me smile and a few dips in the turquoise Gulf that’ll have me missing that beautiful, warm water with each icy plunge into the Atlantic this summer.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I was lucky enough to see some really wonderful friends last week, then some more later in the week, one of whom I hadn’t caught up with in many years. I’m pretty terrible at keeping in touch, it turns out, other than writing here and even that’s not been so good lately. I don’t even use social media anymore. It felt too inauthentic, the line between “friends” and strangers too blurred.

When I’m with my people face to face, I try to make up for lost time. It’s always so refreshing to see a familiar face, to hear their laugh or tone of voice, or to catch the unique little mannerisms or humor that make my loved ones who they are. It’s like watching fireflies in the indigo night, little blips of brilliance that transform the dark to magic.

I hope you are all happy and staying cool and thank you, as always, for reading. And thank you, Jean, for calling me out. I needed it. 💖

Health & Lifestyle · Healthy Habits · Mental Health · Minimalism

Reflections on My No Buy Month

Beth DeFriesLeave a comment

The house is a mess today. I’ve decided there’s nothing wrong with that and I don’t plan on cleaning much. Maybe tomorrow. And that’s a hard maybe.

Yesterday was tough. February’s been a little tough so far, actually, but I think I’ve walked into some realizations, some signs marking the next turnoff to get back on the right track. I’ve got the GPS volume turned up high so I don’t miss it!

I completed my no shopping challenge with success in January and welcomed February with relief. I think I threw some stuff from my Amazon wish list into my cart at like 12:06AM on February 1st and immediately hit Proceed to Checkout. Granted, these purchases were needs rather than wants, but still, pretty embarrassing in hindsight that it only took six minutes into February to shop. Anybody else like this? If so, hope’s not lost! First, though, some background.

I quit coffee altogether for five months this past spring and summer. Before that, coffee was definitely something I relied on. I understand caffeine withdrawal like a pro. I’ve had splitting headaches that I didn’t understand until it hit me that I hadn’t had my coffee in X amount of hours. The fix was easy and all too accessible. Coffee is something I consume in moderation now, like everything else in my diet, and I try to remember the sense of dependance, anxiety, and physical discomfort that coffee represented for me in the past when I relied on it too much.

Hitting Proceed to Checkout at 12:06AM on February 1st and the subsequent dopamine release I experienced reminded me of those accessible caffeine fixes. Maybe shopping wasn’t just a habit. No; I recognized a problem.

Not buying stuff in January felt freeing. I wasn’t waiting on packages or tracking shipping. I didn’t have to drive anywhere to drop off returns. I didn’t have the shame I experience from the buy and return cycle. In January, the saving was the addiction and it felt great and I’m not just talking about money. Think about the time, the energy, the decisions that go into the cycle of shopping, or any bad habit- for that matter. And yet, shopping, once an available outlet again, overtook that sense of peace? Why? I had to get to the bottom of it.

I allowed myself to buy a few needs for the first few days of February, but soon found my wants encroaching. Precious time was lost to the scroll and limited mental energy- to decision fatigue. I have what I need! I tried to shout it in my head, but it came out meek. I preferred how I felt in January. I wanted that peace again, that time, that energy. I set a modest budget for the rest of the month for shopping, wondering if maybe the total deprivation of January was what led to “the itch” to shop as soon as January ended.

Now, let’s talk yesterday. Yesterday, I made a pact with myself to nip this habit in the bud and replace it with more constructive practices. I found myself distracted throughout the day with the craving to head to Marshall’s to buy things that I don’t need. Why? Procrastination, discomfort. When we have things that are difficult that we are supposed to be doing, it is uncomfortable. Discomfort is trigger numéro uno for me when it comes to giving in to bad habits. I learned that in my diet. I learned that in my creative pursuits. Heck, I’m writing this now and it’s not comfortable. I get help out of reading things like this, though, so in hopes that at least one of you will too, here are my reflections on the matter.

Yesterday afternoon, I got dressed with the thought of going to Marshall’s while simultaneously warring with myself to not go to Marshall’s. I left my home and went to my car. What are you doing? Just where do you think you’re going, missy? I said to myself. I got to the first stop sign and told myself, go for a walk instead. Get some energy out. Get some exercise, and maybe this idiotic craving will go away or at least become less noticeable.

By the magic of the gods I listened to me; which doesn’t happen nearly enough, I am sorry to say. I went to the park and started my walk. I ran into a woman I now know by name as I frequently see her on my walks. She said hi and called me by my name and said it was good to see me. That little bit of connection, that little tiny bit of recognition made me smile. I wouldn’t have gotten that at Marshall’s and I would have been short one smile yesterday. Thank you, Pamela.

I walked for about forty-five minutes and as I did, my thoughts turned to things other than shopping. I thought of minimalism and frugality, of mindfulness and the people in my life. I thought of the things that bring positivity and things that bring the opposite. I thought of things that fall into both categories- the people too. I made a mental list. At the end of my walk, I felt calmer. I went home and did some writing I’d been putting off. I watched an old Kate Kaden video on frugality and minimalism. I read some posts of Leo Babauta’s on his blog Zen Habits. I inched toward my center again. I felt my feet firmly on the ground.

This past year, I have learned a lot about myself, accepted a few glaring shortcomings, and been hit by realizations that probably could have been addressed by going to therapy at some point in time, but hey, maybe someday. And that’s a hard maybe. It takes a brave soul to speak your truth out loud to a real life person and I don’t know if I’d exactly be sorted into Gryffindor any old day of the week. I tend to internalize and the wisdom dawns slower, but it dawns all the same.

If you are a person who struggles with addiction and would like help, I hope you can recognize the strength that comes with reaching out to a loved one, a friend, a professional, a support group, heck-even reddit. There is not shame in seeking support and you are absolutely worth others’ time and energy.

Thanks for reading, friends. You are so loved and appreciated. Wishing you a February full of strength, clarity, gratitude, and all the good things! 💖

Cozy Posts · Health & Lifestyle

January Postcard

Beth DeFries2 Comments

Dear friends,

Someday it will stop being cold, but for right now, it’s January in New Jersey and that day is likely a ways off. Sigh.

I’m still going strong on not buying unnecessary things this month, despite a few temptations, but am taking it day by day, with every day successful, so far. I am not spending on wardrobe items, coffee shops, housewares, or decor this month. I have what I need and am beyond grateful for it.

The ongoing fires in southern California remind me that true need is much more basic than what many of us deem necessary in today’s world. Family, friends, health, shelter, clothing, food, water, clean air, safety, and enough money to sustain these needs. Everything else is extra. I feel like it’s easy to forget that sometimes. It’s easy to take these things for granted through the constant buzz of consumer culture that we are bombarded with daily in the US.

I’ve been wandering a path of change over the past seven months and have learned that change takes patience and patience takes willpower. I challenge myself to exercise willpower every day in the challenges and changes I have made because they are good for me.

Exercise is tough in the winter compared to the warmer months. It takes extra willpower to get outside for a walk. It takes even more to stay outside as long as I should. Today was a weigh-in day and another loss. Being down 45 pounds since June is good enough motivation to bundle up and get a whole mess of steps in. It’s also much, much colder in winter though without my former layer of squish. I’ll put an extra sweater on and take the chill with gratitude.

It’s an Earl Grey day for tea and I’m sipping in my writing spot on the big, blue couch. A maelstrom rages in the dishwasher and the dryer’s humming in the laundry room – my domestic soundtrack for the afternoon.

I took two books out of the library last week and haven’t started either, despite being sure that I will enjoy both. Maeve Binchy and Judy Blume sit beneath the lamp on the wooden bench that my dad made whispering, “Write. Read.” It’s probably rude to ignore your idols, so, sorry ladies; I will aim to do some of both today.

Bit of a ramble today, but if you are reading this, I hope you are cozy and warm. If today’s a tough day, I hope something has yet to happen that makes you smile. If it’s a good day, then-yes! Go you! 🙂 As always, thanks for reading.

Love,

Beth

Health & Lifestyle · Healthy Habits · Minimalism

Gratitude

Beth DeFries2 Comments

It’s January people and boy, oh boy, does it certainly feel like it here in NJ! I’ve got my warm socks, a chunky sweater, and a big hand-knit hat, that my sister in law made, to keep me nice and toasty while writing this. These comfies are adding a little extra security too as I’m not quite sure yet where this post is headed.

This morning, I put away the Christmas decor and the living room feels a little empty in a good way. I’m positive toward negative space. It’s easier on the eyes than our little tree with its warm white, twinkle lights. It’s easier on the mind too and I needed to get back into a writing headspace. The holidays were beautiful and festive and temporary and today felt like the day to store them away so they feel special again come next winter.

On New Year’s Eve, following spending a bit more than usual on shopping in December, I decided I would challenge myself to do a “no shop month” in January. It’s been a week and I’m finally starting to feel like I will actually be able to get through the challenge and possibly even stretch the end date. I don’t want to spend like I did in December, mostly because there is no need to anymore. It all comes down to gratitude, which I’ll get into more in a little bit.

Through the years, I have developed a strong understanding of my personal style, not to say that I have excellent style or anything. Style is subjective. Style can change based on different factors and experiences. The purpose of style is to send yourself out into the world feeling confident so you can accomplish big and little things without feeling self conscious or uncomfortable because of what you’re wearing. Everyone has a sense of personal style whether you recognize yours or not.

I may think that I dress well, but somebody else might disagree. I try not to concern myself though with the somebody else-s of the world when I put an outfit together. It doesn’t matter what somebody else thinks about my clothes so long as I like what I’m wearing and it makes me feel capable and confident. It’s when my clothes aren’t doing that anymore that indicates a time to take a step back and re-evaluate my wardrobe.

I have come to learn that many factors can influence personal style such as personality, budget, availability, occupation, hobbies, and, of course, size and appearance, among others. Back in the spring, I had a personal style that I understood cover to cover. I knew what silhouettes would flatter and conceal, which colors and patterns disguised the areas I preferred not to advertise, and which fabrics hung just so and made me feel like the best version of me.

My appearance has changed a little bit since spring and many of my old favorites don’t give me the confidence that they used to anymore. Many don’t hang just so or flatter. They swallow up a bit too much and there’s only so much a belt can do. Sometimes you just need to buy a few items to make you feel put together again. Hence, my December spree.

My body has a different shape now, a different influence on my mind than it used to, and a different influence on my sense of comfort and contentment. I am a different version of me than I was in the spring. Sometimes, looking back at old photos, it feels sort of like an out of body experience.

I am grateful to the former Beth for noticing the switch flip back in June when it came to questioning distorted hunger cues and unhealthy eating habits. That girl changed my life. I’d love to thank her, but I can’t. She is frozen in time in June looking at a photo of herself from a trip to Chicago, perched precariously on the precipice of something huge. I don’t know if anyone has ever shown up for me quite like that girl did. Certainly, no one has ever called me out on poor habits like she did. No one really could though, I guess. Some things can only come from within. Some things take discomfort to learn. Better her than me, am I right? I am proud of her though. I’m excited for her too, if it’s worth anything from where I stand in her future.

My body changed and my style floundered a bit for a while. It’s a weird feeling to be a size that I never fathomed associating with me. It’s a mental hurdle and a new adventure. I was never one for numbers. Now, I am Milo in Digitopolis with no Tock at my side. From bi-weekly weigh-ins to occasional measurements to money spent on new wardrobe items, it’s easy to get lost in the numbers, in the purchases and returns, in the bank account balance, gas mileage, and shipping and delivery dates. I need a break from numbers, frankly. The fun of shopping can quickly turn into buyer’s remorse and more work in the long run and I just don’t need that right now.

This January is going to be for other things. My wardrobe has all the things it needs and more. There’s no need to shop. I have learned to listen to need over want with my eating habits so much so that I am confident I can do that with my shopping habits as well. This month is for focusing on travel planning and writing, for cozy nights in on freezing days, for doing puzzles with my husband, for bundled-up walks in the crisp chilly air, and for experiencing all of life’s little moments with the presence and attention they deserve. I have all I need. I have all that matters. I am abundant with gratitude and that’s something you just can’t buy.

Health & Lifestyle · Healthy Habits · Mental Health

How to be Happy

Beth DeFriesLeave a comment

While organizing my digital files, I stumbled across a document titled How to be Happy. The memory of creating that document rushed back to me and gave my heart a less than gentle squeeze.

Once again, I was seated at our Ikea table in our Williamsburg apartment, trying to grasp any sort of hold on joy. I was working in a job that made me unhappy, living in a city that was someone else’s dream home, and had lost pretty much all touch with my creativity.

The list I wrote called out the dreams, the have nots, the wants. Some items were simple such as move to an apartment with laundry access. Some were more difficult like find a new job in a creative or educational field, live by the water, or get back into writing. I’d wandered off the marked trail and was lost amid a dense forest of skyscrapers, high rises, brownstones, and warehouses- all my breadcrumbs scattered at my feet, awaiting someone to find and rescue me.

There’s a line from Trampled by Turtles’ Widower’s Heart that resonates with me every time I hear it, “New York was a rough place that treated me well.” Sometimes it makes me feel a little guilty for having wanted to leave.

I did a lot of growing up in New York. It was a haven from Baltimore throughout college and it was home afterwards. It facilitated me meeting a group of friends that I can’t imagine my future without. Though grimy, tough, and loud, New York was good to me and I will always love it deeply. It’s not home anymore, however, and I’ve got to admit I prefer it that way.

Live by the water.

We were deep into searching for a new apartment in Brooklyn in January 2020 when a home that we’d been eyeing just for fun dropped in price on Zillow. We scheduled a viewing, rented a car from JFK, and took a drive out to New Jersey just to see it. The pictures hadn’t done the view justice, an observation since echoed by every new visitor we’ve ever had.

We went for drinks at a local brewery to think the idea over knowing it would be crazy if we bought the first place we ever looked at after having looked exclusively at apartments for rent in New York. We were renters. Renters didn’t have to deal with home repairs. Renters didn’t have to pay property taxes. Renters lived in tiny apartments in Brooklyn hoping to be able to afford a miniscule view of the East River.

The idea of buying seemed more sensical as we talked and sipped, but often harkened back to but it would be crazy… right?

It all came down to happiness. While New York was good to me and Mike would never feel the need to live anywhere else, he knew, more than I did, that I’d be much happier living by the water and, as is often the case, he was right.

I am a person who puts myself last in most situations. Why? Because I don’t like putting other people in a place where they have to experience discomfort. I’d rather be the uncomfortable one. It’s fucked up, yes, but it’s true and I’m working on it. Sometimes it takes someone else looking in to notice the effect of constant self-pressure. Sometimes it takes someone else to open their mouth and say it’s ok; we can leave New York. Sometimes it takes someone who loves you a whole lot to make you feel worthy of the change you know is necessary.

So we did something crazy. We bought the first and only home we’d thought about purchasing and moved to New Jersey. We escaped living through the pandemic in New York and instead lived in a place with fresh air and quiet outside the door. I like to think that that wasn’t a terrible consolation for Mike.

My love for New Jersey has very deep roots. There was something about coming home that was instantly calming- something about the water and the moonrise and the trees. I started to write again even though I didn’t feel confident in it. Confidence comes from practice. Confidence comes from having the courage to try.

I thought I’d make a new list to stumble across sometime in the future, perhaps a more general one in case you happen to stumble across it too.

How to be Happy:

  1. Be kind to your body. You’ve only got one.
  2. Prioritize sleep.
  3. Take difficult responsibilities one day or one step or one micro-step at a time.
  4. Move your body every day in a way that works for you.
  5. Commit to exercising good bodily and dental hygiene practices.
  6. Don’t overspend on finances, time, and energy.
  7. End each day with a positive thought or reflection. If you can’t think of one, look up positive affirmations online to jog your memory.
  8. Don’t bury your emotions. Listen to them. Voice them. Address them. You feel them for a reason.
  9. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. You are human. Erring is inevitable, but you are capable of learning and improving.
  10. Know that change is possible, no matter how difficult.
  11. Keep empty space on your calendar. It’s ok to say no to social engagements.
  12. Take a break from screens. Read, go for a walk, listen to music, work on a puzzle, make a new recipe, whatever puts a smile on your face and keeps your brain occupied.
  13. Stop comparing yourself to others. Your uniqueness is amazing and beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t deserve an ounce of your attention.
  14. Don’t expect the worst of people. Chances are you are harder on yourself than anyone else would dare to be.
  15. Know that someone, somewhere loves you exactly as you are (likely lots of someones in lots of somewheres).

I hope this post helps you if you are feeling lost in the forest like I was. Your happiness is a worthy cause and it is possible. Breathe. Allow yourself to feel everything, even the difficult things. Give yourself a break. Scatter your breadcrumbs at your feet. You are capable of your own rescue.