On one of my visits to the library this past summer, I approached the circulation desk and set down the book that I’d come to check out. As I fished out my library card, the librarian picked up the book, beamed down at the cover and said with giddy satisfaction, “Ooh! A love story!”
I can see how she might have gotten confused. The cover did have a couple embracing on a beach, backlit by a sunset, after all. I had also just finished reading Stephen King’s horror fantasy epic, The Dark Tower series and could see why she might be relieved to see me choosing something a little more frivolous in nature from the shelves.
As a seed of intrigue began to grow within me, I wondered if I should correct her or not. On the one hand, I wanted to see her reaction. This felt important, for some reason. For me, for her, and for the library assistant who was an innocent bystander throughout this entire exchange. On the other hand, it was almost guaranteed to spawn an awkward situation. I decided to lean into the awkwardness, mostly just out of curiosity, wanting to see what would happen.
“More of a self help book, actually,” I said.
The librarian looked down at the cover again and I watched as her expression turned from confusion to alarm as she read the title and the subtitle there. The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts.
Hindsight caught up with me immediately and I thought to myself, Now, why did you do that, Beth? This poor woman.
She scanned my library card quickly, cleared her throat, and said, “Well, good luck.”
She pushed the book back toward me across the counter. And with that, I walked out of the library trying to suppress a smile until I was clear from view.
I took Gary Chapman’s acclaimed book out of the library that day after having had a recent conversation about it on a family vacation this summer. That conversation was not the first time that I had heard about the book or been asked by friends, to my own confusion, “What’s your love language?” That conversation did, however, pique my interest enough in Gary Chapman’s process to want to read the book for myself and see what all the buzz was about.
It took me a few hours to read through the entire book on that summer day. I enjoyed the direct language and the real-life anecdotes sprinkled throughout the guide and once I was through, I took the assessment at the end to identify what I had come to learn in the first place, my own love language.
According to Gary Chapman, the five love languages of human relationships are as follows:
Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
These categories do not only pertain to how you receive love romantically, but how you receive love in your other relationships as well, such as with family members, friends, and community members.
As I read through the book, I found myself trying to identify how different family members and friends might best receive love and could see how expressing love towards them via my own receiving love language or my secondary love language, would not be equally sufficient across the board for them all.
According to the assessment, my primary love language ended up being “Words of Affirmation”. This tracks, friends. Of course it’s the words one, right? When I think of the times I feel most loved, it is because someone is expressing positive sentiments towards me with their words and tone. The times when I feel least loved can be traced back to hurtful or indifferent words and / or harsh delivery. I had been wondering as I read if my language would be “Words of Affirmation” or “Acts of Service”, as I found myself reflecting on how I communicate love to others and noticed that I naturally express love through acts of service.
As I told my husband about my takeaways from reading the book, I asked him if he felt loved when I did things like doing the laundry, the dishes, or cleaning the house. He looked at me, confused, as I imagined he would, as though it was crazy to think anyone would feel love from such acts. Some people do, ok! My person, however, does not, and it’s helpful to know that now. I made a quick mental note, then and there, that I would need to make a conscious adjustment in how I express love, catering toward my loved ones’ suspected languages, rather than relying on my own natural tendencies to effectively accomplish that task.
It was funny to me how quickly I went from being a little embarrassed about checking out a relationship self-help book from the library to sharing the merits of said book with my closest friends. Having checked the book out with the goal of improving my skills in communication, I wanted to share the resource because, in my opinion, it’s nice to have the information before you actually need it. And though it’s nice to think you aren’t going to need it, the truth is, there might come a moment where it could offer some support that you might not naturally be equipped with in your mental and emotional arsenal. In other words, relationships can be hard sometimes. The most important things often are, though, aren’t they?
In anticipation of Valentine’s Day which is coming up this week (but also just for everyday lovin’), here are some suggestions for how to show love for each of the love language categories:
Words of Affirmation:
Verbally express positive sentiments toward your loved one via phrases such as these: “I love you because…” “I’m proud of you for…” “I appreciate how you…” “You look beautiful/handsome.” “You are smart.” “You are talented.” “I love it when you smile.”
For Words of Affirmation people, remember that tone plays as much of a role as the words themselves do. Sincerity and a light, positive tone can go a long way with these word lovers.
Acts of Service:
Do something for your partner, friend, or family member. It helps to know the types of services that they would be the most grateful for, of course. That might be a learning process to figure out, though try thinking back to conversations you might have had with them. For example, is there a chore that your partner always does that they don’t particularly enjoy doing, such as doing the dishes or figuring out what to do or make for dinner? Why not take that off their hands once in a while, unprompted, even if it does not feel natural to do so.
Other examples could be decluttering a space, taking the car for an oil change, taking the dog for a walk, meal prepping, taking out the trash and recycling, or giving them a shoulder massage.
Receiving Gifts:
Does your partner light up at the sight of a little gift bag or a bouquet of flowers? Do they show unbridled joy for that meme you saw and texted them just because it made you think of them? You might have yourself a partner then whose love language is gifts.
“Gifts” don’t have to be expensive to be appreciated. It helps if they are thoughtful or personal somehow- a flower picked on a walk in the park together for example or a seashell from the beach, just something you came across with them in mind is all it really takes. That being said, purchased items are appreciated by gift lovers as well. Try to get a sense of the things your partner gravitates towards when shopping or travelling to get a better sense of something that would not only make them feel loved, but be practical and enjoyable for them as well beyond just being a positive association with you.
Quality Time:
Making time for loved ones might not come naturally to everyone, but it certainly goes a long way for people who have Quality Time as their love language. Don’t scroll on your phone at dinner. Be present and listen to your partner and ask them about their day. If your partner isn’t a big talker, maybe you do the talking by bringing up an article you read or an interesting YouTube Video you recently watched or an advertisement for a travel destination that you noticed on your commute.
I just finished reading a great novel, A Gentleman in Moscow by, Amor Towles, in which two characters enjoy playing a particular game every time they are waiting for their dinner to come at a restaurant where they establish a category, such as ‘things with stripes’ or ‘famous trios’ and alternate naming examples with the goal of being the last to run out of examples.
Play a boardgame, do a puzzle, talk about your goals for the future. Just remember that quantity is not the same as quality, so make sure the time is filled with conversation or an experience and not idle.
Physical Touch:
Even so much as sitting next to your partner with some part of you touching them goes far with this love language. There is the obvious, of course, but remember that there is also love in smaller gestures. Holding hands, giving a shoulder massage, giving them a hug or a kiss, even brushing or combing their hair can be ways to show your love for them. For times when you are a not physically near each other, try sending a picture of yourself smiling or adding emojis that represent touch to text messages that you exchange with them, just something to bridge the sensory gap of distance and make you feel closer than you physically are.
I hope this post inspires some of you to reflect on your own relationships and communication styles. Whether your relationship is absolutely perfect or more of the rollercoaster variety, perhaps it is more in your power than you thought to be a better master of your own joy and your ability to create joy for others around you. Not all partners have the same love language and expressing love in a different love language than your own might take some extra work. With that said, the payoff might be bigger than you think and could even lead to a partnership of more consistent mutual enjoyment, fulfillment, and of course, love.
In case you are still wondering about that poor librarian, I regretted making her feel awkward that summer day pretty instantly, but also Mike and I had a good laugh about it later that night when I told him about the exchange. Maybe sometime I should take out a book on being a more socially acceptable human being (or perhaps an actual love story while that same librarian is working) 🙃. I have too many books on my to-read list for now, however, so please take me as I am in the meantime, and thank you for your patience, world.
Though it’s all too commercialized here in the US right now, remember that once the heart-shaped balloons and chocolate boxes are taken down from the shelves, love should still be an everyday priority in each relationship that you have with your loved ones. Thank you all for reading this post and for being part of this community. I am thankful for you all for fueling this creative outlet of mine. 💖
cozy does it 